As a midlife woman working with midlife women, I talk a lot about honouring yourself. By this I mean looking at the journey you’ve already been on. You haven’t got here by mistake. You haven’t just arrived here with nothing having gone before.
You’ve been on a journey
It’s possibly been a difficult journey, which is why you find yourself in this space now where you’re feeling like you need something more, so it’s really important to honour the fact that you’ve been on this journey, but you are still here.
Honouring doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re agreeing with your choices but you’re honouring the ones that you’ve made. You’re making peace with them. You’re honouring the way that you’ve lived your life until now, regardless of what other people make of it.
When we make this discovery and we suddenly realise, hang on, what has it actually got to do with other people? The answer is probably nothing. They’re not living your life. They’re not walking your path. They’re not living with the consequences.
There are several times in my life when I have been through this
“Who are they to tell me how to do things” and one that really sticks in my mind was when I was pregnant with my 3rd son, who’s now 25.
I’d had previously a lot of complications in pregnancy. My 2nd son was stillborn, I’d had a miscarriage as well. And the pregnancy was incredibly stressful. Emotionally it was really, really hard. I would show up for check-ups with the consultant – a guy in about his 50s – and tell him what had been going on for me in between appointments. What I’d worried about, what had been keeping me awake at night.
He’d always put my mind at rest, but I remember one of the very last appointments I had. I was pretty much begging with him to treat me the way I needed to be treated – to take on board the mental stress of the pregnancy, which had actually become almost too much. I wasn’t coping, I wasn’t sleeping and I wanted them to bring forward the planned induction by a week. I remember I had this moment where I thought ’Here I am, I’m sitting in this office, he’s going to tell me they’re going to do X, Y and Z which is what the text books say. I feel like I know what’s best for me. And I’m not leaving that office until I get it’. I’d already realised after that conversation was over, however involved they were, that
I would go home and live with the consequences of whatever happened.
That he was just doing his job and would then move on to another pregnant mum, the next patient. They wouldn’t have to exist with the consequences in the same way that I did if anything went wrong (my mindset at the time, understandably). It would all be down to this moment, that is what I would have to live with. And if I didn’t speak up, I would never forgive myself.
It was an exceptionally empowering moment in my life
realising that I knew what was best for me and I wasn’t afraid to stand up for myself (possibly for the first time ever!)
This is just one example of what happens if you spend your life doing things in a way that puts others first, instead of you. We’re all guilty of this, we all find a way to do it which means we’re not living our fullest potential. We’re living what we think other people see as our potential.
If everything felt like it was that serious a decision, how much would you put yourself at the top of that list then?
Would you think well, what if? So I’ve got to speak up and I’ve got to say what I think and I’ve got to make clear to myself – for myself and to other people what it is I actually want.
When you’re in the middle of it, sometimes it takes another person to bring your attention to that and say, “Do you realise you haven’t even thought about how this is going to affect you? Or how this is impacting you?”.
Maybe it’s a choice that’s impacting your well-being? Maybe that’s affecting your mindset, the way that you see yourself, the way that you feel about yourself.
If it’s your life and it’s your stuff that’s going on and you’re not making choices for you – where do you expect to end up?
Honouring yourself isn’t about moving yourself to the top of the list. But what it is about is making choices that really take on board you being part of that, being affected by that, being impacted by that, being influenced and saying that’s not good enough for me.
Honouring you is bringing you into the story instead of being an outsider or an afterthought.
How would it feel right now to consider the impact on you as easily as you might do for others?
Can you see your way forwards to doing this? If it feels too hard, take a moment now and see if you can start to make some gentle changes to see where you are in the midst of your muddle.